Adam & Eve's "A Slice of Pie"

There are moments where, as a reviewer, I want to just type: "I was once told that if you have nothing nice to say, you should say nothing at all," and leave the rest of the page a complete blank. Unfortunately, it's my job to tell it like it is, or maybe more appropriately, as I see it, and that's what my readers and members have come to bare witness to. The good, the bad and, as in the case of Adam & Eve's latest from director Andre Madness, A Slice of Pie, the ugly.

You know the overplayed porn scene featuring the pizza delivery boy? Well, this flick takes it a step further here by setting the scene in a full-on pizza parlor. Cute concept. But I've seen better film on bath tub rings.

Next year I'll have been working in porn for a decade and if there's one thing I've learned from being a reviewer, director and on camera non-sex participant, it's that the most important thing in porn is lighting. Not only is it important that the audience see everything, but it's equally important that everyone looks pretty. I'm not going to name names here because that would just be vicious -- and unwarranted actually as it's more of a universal complaint amongst the entire cast including Carmen Luvana, Clara G., Baby Jayne, Puma Swede, Kylee King, Herschel Savage, Trent Sulari, Donny Long and Seth Dickens.

Porn stars are not mainstream models for a reason. There are flaws. Flaws that, if shot and edited properly, are hidden. Nothing is hidden here. Every bad tit job, every piece of cellulite, every drop of sweat and facial pock mark is on display.

Not even Carmen Luvana can save this disaster. She's grunting and snarling like she's either in pain or totally pissed off throughout both her scenes. She looks angry! I mean, like she wants to hurt someone! ...Maybe she saw what was being shot.

I usually love everything I see from Adam & Eve. But if I have to be honest (which, let's face it, is my job), A Slice of Pie is the worst movie I've seen all year.

And reviewing five movies a week, that's saying a lot!

WATCH IT NOW!: Watch Adam & Eve's A Slice of Pie now playing in the JC Theatre.

CLICK HERE FOR THE FULL 21 PHOTO BONUS GALLERY!